It's been a while. My life has turned inside-out and upside-down, and I'm not sure of what I want to do or be anymore. But the blog title still fits, so I keep it.
I realized today while writing a Facebook post that I need this. I need to sit down, at least once a week, and type these things out. I am going to. And maybe post the link some places and see if anyone else cares to read. Maybe read and comment on other blogs. I don't know... something.
Anyhow, I've been hiding from the world--even the online world--because I'm ashamed, and I shouldn't be. Below is the Facebook post I wrote in which I realized this.
(Begin Facebook post)
So yesterday I forgot how to put my clothing on.
I mean this quite literally. I had taken a shower, and I got out of the
shower, and had clothing sitting on the counter in the bathroom. I
looked at the clothing, and I could remember that arms and legs went in
holes, but I couldn't remember what order things were supposed to happen
in. Everything got jumbled up in my head.
This happens a lot, I'm
starting to realize. I'll sit around in pajamas all day because I can't
remember how to put the clothing on, or I won't eat unless Richard
gets me food because I'm not sure where food is or how to cook it. I
don't put things away because I'm not sure where they go (and I often
lose them if they're away because out of sight is often out of mind for
me.)
This seems to happen more often when I'm sick or depressed
or stressed, as though my brain just has so much else going on that the
basic stuff drops by the wayside. I've learned to cope mostly by going
totally overboard the other way. I used to go without eating more than
once a day for weeks at a time, but now hunger is a migraine trigger,
making it impossible to function without eating. Of course, without
anything easy at hand to eat I'll just sit there with the headache,
since migraines make it nearly impossible for me to carry out complex
tasks. Stupid body.
The big thing that happened yesterday,
though, was that I went to Richard and asked for help. I started crying,
I was so ashamed. I'm 30 years old... I should be able to take care of
myself. But I'm starting to see that in a lot of ways, I can't. Even
basic things can be hard, because it just gets all jumbled up, and I
spend so much time trying to remember the little things that big stuff
like homework or writing (which is even harder to organize) falls away.
I'm not sure what to do about all of this. For the moment I content
myself with admitting that I might not ever be "independent." I can't
take care of myself very well, and I need to stop feeling ashamed of
that. I need to get help--I don't know what yet, but that's something to
look into.
I also need to be honest about other things, and
that's coming. Slowly. In the meantime, I need to get food and get
dressed for today. All of you for whom these are easy tasks, count
yourselves lucky. :P
(End of Facebook post)
There will be more forthcoming. I have updates on Morgan and astronomy and my life. In the meantime, I do indeed need to go eat.
