Our car died on Monday. And by died, I mean dead, kicked the bucket, pushing up daisies. It is an ex-car. We didn't know it at the time--all we knew is that the engine had stopped and there was oil leaking, and Richard had to leave it on the side of the road and walk a mile or two home with my daughter--both of them sick. Sucky situation, all around.
Today we found out from the mechanic that it will cost $4,000 to fix the engine. This is an old car; for $4,000 we could get a better, newer car--if we had the money. Naturally, we don't, nor money, really, for any sort of car at all.Where we live there are no buses for several miles, and nothing within walking distance. Without a car, we're screwed. Well, maybe, but more on that in a moment.
I could have panicked on hearing this. There are things I like to do outside the house, and Richard needs to be able to go job-hunting, and so on. Being house-bound is just not a good thing, nor a desirable thing. I could have been angry at myself or Richard for not taking better care of the car. I could have gotten depressed over the situation, and at the universe for "doing this to me" when my compter had so recently broken down too.
I didn't do any of those things. And what makes this something worth pointing out is that I chose not to. I felt despair and anger and frustration creeping up and went "screw that, none of those emotions are useful. Go away, I have a problem to solve." The energy didn't go away--I just channeled it into solving the problem.
My solution is thus: bicycles. Two bikes, plus helmets, should cost us around $300 or so--maybe more, maybe less. They require no gas and far less maintenance than a car, and it'll get me moving physically, which I desperately need. It's not a permanent solution; when we have regular income, we'll probably get a car. But right now, bikes let us get to the bus stops, and give us a degree of freedom.
Yay solution! I felt better and the nasty energy dissipated, though not entirely. I've been having a general, unfocused anxiety and depression for a while now. Some crappy stuff has gone on lately, but often everything will be fine in the immediate, but I feel dread or sorrow for no reason. In the past I'd have found a reason for this, the reason I'm depressed or angry or whatever, but these days I go... I get depressed. It happens, it's brain chemistry. I need medication and a more active lifestyle, and definitely a better way to de-stress my neural system so I don't carry the weight of getting overwhelmed so much.
Which leads me, finally, to the point of writing this: I have come to view emotions as being, sometimes and to some degree, a thing that can be chosen. Sometimes one is so angry or happy or sad that it can't be denied--and often, in those moments, those are good and healthy responses. I don't say "I chose not to be angry" as if anger is always bad. Anger can give one fire and energy to fix a problem, to right a wrong. Sadness is warranted over loss and hardship. Etcetera.
But so much I hear people say they just feel this way and can't help it, or people want their emotions "validated" or some such--they want me (or whomever) to tell them it's okay to be angry, or happy, or sad. Or rather, that I (or whomever) approve of and support their emotions. Huh? Why? If your anger is justified, it's justified. If it's not, it isn't.
Here's the thing: just because a person feels an emotion in a situation, that doesn't mean that emotion is an appropriate and mature response to said situation. Hell, it may not even be an actual response to the situation. When I get depressed, I'm depressed, and I'm not going to be genuinely happy no matter what I do until the dark cloud passes. There are exceptions, but they don't make the cloud pass on their own. Bipolar folks who are in a manic phase might be happy about anything. And even mentally healthy people do this--they ruminate on the nasty driver who cut them off in traffic and then snap at someone later who did nothing to warrant being snapped at.
What I've learned (and there are studies to back me up, which I'd link if I remembered where I found them) is that deciding "I am going to feel this way" and then acting as though I feel that way does work, to a degree. Like I said, if I'm depressed happiness is elusive, but the more I act happy and productive, the more I get done, and the more I start to feel happy and productive. Then I start doing things that fight depression--getting my diet and meds in order, getting exercise, getting my living space clean, etc.--and then acting happier and productive is easier, so I get happier and more productive and... etc. I've just learned that I have to fake it for a while. I have to look at that unfocused "blah life sucks" and go "no, it doesn't, and I'm going to act otherwise, thanks much."
The unfocused blah isn't going to go away at first. I am going to have moments of feeling awful, moments of feeling tired and worn and overwhelmed. I allow myself to crawl into a blanket and rest, but I treat it like I'm sick, not like the world is awful and life will never get better. That way lies emotional states I swore I would never re-visit. And sometimes, anger or anxious energy can be useful when I can harness them into energy for making things better.
I'm hardly perfect at this, and it's only been very recently that I've really started to believe that I can choose my emotional states. To diverge in a geeky way for a moment: I think going back to Star Trek (I'm playing ST Online and Richard and I are watching TNG on Netflix) has reminded me of how much I've long admired Vulcans. I don't think I'd want to suppress all emotion--I like passion, and anger can be useful, and so on. But trying to step back from emotion, think logically--to recognize that our passions and whims and brain chemistry need not rule us--is a good and useful thing, I think. It is also what I think a lot of "choose to spread kindness" homilies are trying to say--that you can choose to be happy instead of angry, and to spread joy instead of sorrow.
I don't know if I'd go so far as to start spouting homilies. Sometimes, a "negative" emotion is the right one to choose. Sometimes, the world sucks and its ass needs some kicking. Sometimes, the world sucks and you just need to cry. All of that's okay. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm glad I figured out that I can think my way up out of depression, and that I hope anyone that knows me that reads this understands if I maybe don't always seem sympathetic to whatever emotional state is passing through their mind right then. There is one sort-of homily I can support here: what matters is not so much your situation, but how you choose to respond to it.
