Starting Off, or, What Now?

I intend this blog to be a journal of sorts, a place to write things down so I can sort them out. Of course people can read it, but I'm not expecting many (watch, now I'll be surprised). Anyhow, I'm not trying to write anything interesting or profound to anyone else, just personal things that I don't mind having out in public semi-anonymously.

The anonymous bit is the first thing of real concern here. I am in a state of major flux right now, not really sure which way to go. I've never been anything like "normal." Brilliant, maybe, lots of potential and so on, but it's always been very difficult for me to function in the world. For about a year I've been living with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, but not only does the medication not help the diagnosis came out of my ARNP deciding after 20 minutes that it made sense. She never dug very deeply into, well... anything much, which I'm starting to realize is par for the course for mental health a lot of the time.

My youngest son is also two days away from being evaluated by a neurologist for autism. Every other professional we've talked to think he likely has it, and he certainly fits the criteria. Autism, of course, has a genetic component, and my mother has repeatedly mentioned that she feels I fit the Asperger's criteria since she started doing research into things on her own.

So... I went and took tests online. I know, I know, they might not be accurate, but I fall deeply within the autism spectrum on every one I've taken. I've been discovering that I actually have a hard time reading facial expressions, that I can't tell tone very well unless it's exaggerated, and that many things I have passed off as reasons I might not be autistic fall squarely into "female presentation of Asperger's syndrome." And I am finding that trying to deal with the world as though I am autistic is helping me head off problems and begin to think more and more clearly.

I am of scientific mind. I firmly believe in Occam's razor: when faced with equal evidence for two or more hypothesis, the simplest is most likely to be true. So which is simpler: a diagnosis that needs stretching to fit and can't seemed to be treated properly (bipolar), or something that people who know me well go "oh yes, that's her as a teenager" that offers coping skills that already work? I'll take door number two.

So right now I'm in limbo. I stopped taking my medication, but now I'm worried about going back to the doctor's office and telling them why. ASDs are hard to diagnose in both women and adults and I think I'm pretty good at "faking" (of course maybe I'm wrong there), so I'm afraid of going to a therapist and being told I'm wrong--and worse, getting in "trouble" for not taking my meds. I'm not against medication--my fiance, who does have bipolar disorder, is so much better even on his not-quite-therapuetic dose of lithium. But lithium carbonate is nasty to the body and the side effects have been making life hell, and antidepressants never seem to really work for me.

I have a lot more to say on all of this: why I've been clinging to medication, why bipolar doesn't make sense, why I think I'm an Aspie. I don't want this to be too long, though, and already I've typed a lot without even getting to what bothers me most. Because, you see, I have no issues with autism. I've known many people on the spectrum, terrific people, who interface with the "normal" world with varying levels of success. Being autistic doesn't bug me, except insofar as it causes me trouble from outsiders.

What bugs me is the thought that all the things I thought I could medicate away might be part of who I am. That maybe the world is too much for me, too stressful, that I won't be able to operate in it without falling apart. I think this because it's happened, over and over again. Maybe, just maybe, dealing with the world as an Aspie will let me get where I want to go. I can't shake the feeling that I'm wrong, though, and that ultimately the career I want will be too difficult to get to, not least because of the social skills required to navigate the academic world.

It's hitting home, right now, because I've yet another bad quarter in school, grades are out tomorrow, I'm not sure if I'll keep my financial aid or not and if I do... can I handle this? Can I do it? I'm not sure. And letting go of this would be hard. What I want to do is specific and it's strong, and there's so little way I can think of to be involved in it without a dgeree. I want to work on SETI, you see. I want to communicate with alien life. Or maybe I want to get a degree in planetary astronomy and find evidence of life in the solar system or elsewhere. I haven't quite decided. But I want to see if someone else is out there. I feel so alone so much of the time; I can't stand to think that this one little planet is the only one ni the universe with intelligent life.

Language fascinates me and aliens fascinate me; I want to study both and figure out how to talk to creatures whose minds work differently than ours. And if I am autistic maybe I'm just what's needed, someone whose brain works differently, someone who could have a different take, help to work out what to say if we ever manage to get a signal through. I've got some ideas on where and how to look that I'm not sure we've tried yet. How can I do this if I can't go to school and get a degree? And how can I convince the schools that I need help, that my year of failure is because I've been doing things all wrong, to please please give me a second chance, if I don't go get that elusive official diagnosis?

I'm not sure what to do, right now. One thing I can do is write, so I do so, and throw the line out there, and pray that I manage to make this work... because I don't know what else to do, if things fall through. I thought medication would fix things, and it just seemed to make them worse, and now... now I'm hoping that tomorrow I get good news.

In the meantime, I go to play video games and watch my younger daughter, who refuses to sleep at the right times, and realize that it's partly me--that part of my fascination with the stars comes from a desire to be awake at night when it's quiet and cool, when the rest of the world is asleep and there's less noise. Normal folk go to bed or turn up the lights at night and ignore the sky and the vast emptiness dotted with light. I used to embrace it, even if I often feared it; now I hide behind walls and lights at night too, and wonder why I have to go to school in the daytime to learn to study the night.