Scientific Funding in an Age of Fear

Phil Plait, one of my very favorite bloggers, brought up a difficult subject today: how to deal with funding the James Webb Space Telescope. His view is in his excellent article at his blog, Bad Astronomy. My view is pretty much the same: Congress needs to fully and independently fund the JWST and cancel it otherwise, because trying to take the money from other missions will only damage all the missions involved, including the JWST.

For those who don't know, the JWST is the "next-generation" space telescope (that's even another name for it) which is supposed to become the "Hubble of its age" (well, according to Phil Plait, with whom I'm inclined to agree.) It has a whole bunch of features, including infrared optimization and its intended observing position far from Earth, giving us a different angle from which to view the universe. It is, in short, an amazing piece of equipment that could revolutionize astronomical observation.

Phil brings up cost overruns and mismanagement as reasons that he understands why people want to kill the project. I get that. It's a practical stance. But I am so tired of practical, when it comes to science. I am having a visceral, emotional reaction to this, and it's not just because the JWST might be dead before it ever gets off the ground. It's general, and I finally pinpointed it when I started running through all the things in my head that make the JWST something good and useful that we ought to give money to.

See, there's this thing that happens, with science. People want to know why we should justify spending billions and billions of dollars on research. Those same people (usually) don't question if we should spend billions and billions of dollars on health care, or defense, or buying random crap we don't need, or social programs, or what-have-you. Those things, you see, can all be identified as practical things. Things we need, to survive. They may disagree on what's practical to spend money on but pretty much everyone agrees there needs to be some sort of clear reward. "Why are we giving some guy money to go research frogs?" they ask, and laugh, like researching frogs is an utterly useless thing to do. The worst part? A lot, a lot of these people are scientists or science supporters themselves.

And those of us who want research to be funded come up with things like "without relativity you wouldn't have GPS!" and all of the benefits of the space program, and so on. It's a laundry list of all the reasons why science funding is practical, and has "real world" benefits, and so on. It winds up feeling like begging, and it's tiring, and right now, I'm done with it. I'm not saying that there doesn't need to be some feedback from research--that there don't eventually need to be results. Money is limited, I get that. But why is the money so terribly limited? Why isn't science more important to us, as a society? Why oh why is everything about the practicality?

So here is why I'm tired of it, why it makes me want to cry and gnash my teeth and all the rest. There is more to life than survival, and there is more to life than entertainment. Science is about exploration and discovery, and the need for both exploration and discovery are essential human traits.

Last summer, I wrote a research paper about SETI in which I asked the question of whether it was worth continuing the search, 50 years on. I ought to post the paper somewhere--I'm really very proud of it--but the gist of my argument was that humans have always been interested in the possibility of life beyond our own planet, and that the need for communication and connection is deeply and fundamentally human, and the drive to see if anyone else is out there is perhaps the most human endeavor I can think of. It is matched only, I will say now, by "why are we here?" which is what drives our desire to see as much as we can about the early universe. Which, by the way, the JWST is primed to explore: the formation of the first galaxies and even further back.

As a brief aside: when I say I think the need for communication and connection is fundamentally human, I absolutely apply that to all people, whatever their ability to communicate and connect in a "normal" fashion. Just because a person can't speak doesn't mean they don't want to, and just because a person doesn't care about connecting to random strangers doesn't mean they don't feel a deep connection to the people closest to them. Even wanting to connect to animals, plants or the world around one counts in this, to me. I am reminded of the video In My Language by Amanda Baggs of Ballastexistenz, which shows very clearly that language and interaction with one's environment is not always what most folk think it is.

At any rate, we need this. As a species, we need to look up, and out, and imagine what might be, and then go find out. For some people "finding out" involves what is within reach, and that makes their exploration no less wonderful than the exploration the JWST provides. I just say we shouldn't have to choose. I say we should stop staring at the ground, worrying about whether we'll trip, running through our lives afraid of everything. I say we stop, and look up, and remember what makes us great.

I will leave with a quote from Babylon 5, my oh-so-very-favorite TV show, that reminds me of how I feel the world is these days.

"Something my father said. He was old, very old at the time. I went into his room, and he was sitting alone in the dark, crying. So I asked him what was wrong, and he said, 'My shoes are too tight, but it doesn't matter, because I have forgotten how to dance.' I never understood what that meant until now. My shoes are too tight, and I have forgotten how to dance." (Londo Mollari, The War Prayer)

I feel that way, lately. I think the whole world does. I want to see JWST funded, and in a way that lets all the other projects be funded too, but I don't think it's going to happen, because we have forgotten how to dance. It breaks my heart, and I wish I knew what to do.

If you want to help save the JWST go here and sign the petition: http://www.savejwst.com/ or like their Facebook page. Or, y'know, both.

On Religion

Firstly, I've been hermiting this last week or so, for a variety of reasons. It was the second week of my three-week school break and thus a great time to get away from people, and Richard had to go out a lot during the week so I had a chance to be really alone. In addition, the media coverage leading up to the tenth anniversary of 9/11 brought me nothing but pain, and so I pretty much avoided the rest of the internet trying to pretend it was any other week of the year, ever. I understand wanting to hash and re-hash a painful event--I do it all the time, to everything--but there's no closure or solace to be found there, just more wondering "how can people be so awful?"

I played video games instead, or read, and spent one whole wonderful day with barely any stimulation at all. But "how can people be so awful" isn't a question I can easily escape; it's one I run into every time I do venture into the world and encounter stories of people lying, hurting each other, hating each other. Sometimes I can make sense of things from an evolutionary perspective, but far too often it just makes no sense at all. And then I've been playing Assassin's Creed II a lot, and the whole series is full of discussions of religion, and what religion is for, and ethics and morality and... oy. I can't remember the last time a major character in a video game said that their side really wasn't the "good guys." The shades of grey inherent in playing a character who kills in order to bring about peace and free will are not at all avoided.

So, as the topic of the post might suggest, I have been thinking about religion lately. Specifically, my lack of some specific religious practice, and whether or not I need one. I'm sure plenty of people might say "of course you don't!" And some, who I fervently hope aren't reading this post, might lambast me for not practicing whatever it is they believe. I do know what I believe--generally. That's not what this is about.

The thing is, I think that God is a concept that can't be easily hammered down. Whatever god or gods there may be are, by definition, something the human mind isn't going to be able to comprehend right now. I've already answered the question of whether I can be a scientist and still believe in God--of course I can. "Is there a God?" is not a scientific hypothesis, because the question can't be disproven. Did God cause the Big Bang? I don't know, honestly. Maybe so--even if our universe is but one of many, God could have started the genesis of this universe within the larger whole. Or maybe it's more of a natural process. My concept of God does not demand that said being created the universe, or its laws--maybe everything simply is. But whatever's going on, it's not something that science can answer, and things that science discover don't get in the way of there being a God. In fact, it's when I look at the grandeur and beauty of the universe that I feel most connected to God. The reality that science tells me exists is the reality that shows me God.

So, do I need a religion, or can I go on calling myself a religious naturalist? (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_naturalism for reference) I think the main reason I still yearn for some religious practice is my desire for order and ritual. I've found a great deal of comfort in the trappings of the religions I've tried on over the years, from Christian denominations to neopaganism. To be honest, though--and not to insult anyone, really--far too few practitioners of both Christianity and paganism that I've met have a true desire to use their intellect to explore and understand the world, they're far too willing to accept whatever they're told.

I get that this happens everywhere, but I guess what I'm looking for, if I'm going to adopt some religion or other, is that thinking and learning and teaching be at the core of the religion. Modern druidry offers this--sort of--but it too often accepts the dubious practices of pseudoscience on their face. And then, of course, there's Richard and the kids--if I go one way, do they have to? Will they feel like they have to? So, I'm at a bit of a loss of just what to do.

I have some thoughts on this regard, but they are as yet malleable and not-quite-formed. I will post more if I come to some sort of understanding or decision. What I do know is that I need a framework of some sort. Stay tuned.

Mental vs Physical Age Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eu0aunZrP7o&feature=share

This video is about how the guy making it has always felt maybe 6 years behind his peers, mentally... and when he turned 17 or so and had to go "out in the world" he started acting much older, like someone in their 50's, and people online would think he was older. Now he feels "young" again but still 6 years behind--go watch, it's good.

I identify with this so much. People always think I am very much older or younger than I am... people thought I was older when I was a teenager although I felt younger inside. Now people who meet me think I'm younger (at school people think I am maybe 20-21 when I am almost 30) and online people have always thought I was older--but inside I feel like I stopped at around 15 and had to become very much older and now I'm picking up my development again! So I feel maybe 16 or so inside now... I wonder if I'll always be 14 years behind...

I passed my classes!

I wasn't expecting to write this post in this manner. I was expecting that I would have failed at least one of my classes, and would be speculating on what to do about that and would there be financial aid problems and should I continue school?

Instead, I find that I passed all my classes this quarter. I haven't done that since last summer. I keep peeking back to my transcript to be sure it's true. I shouldn't have passed. I know I shouldn't. I missed tons of quizzes, I did badly on finals, but somehow I managed to prove that I knew and understood the material and passed every single one.

Short summary: I took an art appreciation class that involved looking at art and discussing it, a chemistry lecture course I'd failed before (I passed the lab so I didn't have to re-do that) and calculus I which I'd also failed before.

On the "how the hell" side of things, I never had many doubts about my art class. Give me papers to write and I'll manage to write something interesting and thought-provoking and get accolades even if I forget the material five minutes after I'm done--especially in a 100-level class where the teacher is barely expecting competency. I'm good at writing papers, and I did both my main group one and my own. Chemistry... my the points I should have failed, but I had that teacher for the lab last time I took the course, and I got a 3.3 in the lab course and I should have gotten a 1.8 or so. I'm thinking either my math is wrong and I did better on the second exam than I thought (possible since I never got the test back through my own fault) or she felt generous and passed me.

Math... I should have failed, but it looks like on August 7th the teacher put in "100%" for my quiz scores, and this made be able to get a 2.8 from my exams alone. I never took a single quiz. I suspect he didn't find time to give them and gave everyone 100% and I just wasn't there the day he announced this. Another reason to go to class, Arielle.

Anyway, suddenly I have this foundation of "look I passed!" I know that passing with such horrid attendance and homework was a fluke and will not happen again. I also know that next quarter is the quarter I get into actual physics classes. And maybe... ooo... research. Real research, for honors credit or publication or even for stipend if my MESA advisor managed to pull out the funds. Yes, let's give the Aspie toys to play with and tell her she get school credit and money for it. Heaven. I've been looking forward to this for months.

So now I know I'll get my financial aid check, I know I'll get a crack at that research... and holy crap I'll likely be presenting at the UW undergraduate research symposium in May and that means talking to people and WHAT AM I THINKING THIS IS INSANE!!!

Hence the dilemma that's been looming ever since I put away the lithium bottle and went "I can't medicate away my problems." Can I do this? I want to, badly. I want to be an astronomer so badly it hurts sometimes. I avoid science things because I know I will perseverate and never come out, and if I fail I'll be so terribly disappointed. Richard (my fiance) has promised not to let me completely disappear so, so...

I will do this. I will. But it's hard, and I can't articulate why right now. It's tied up with disappointments and the fallout from my social problems, and I will manage to type coherently on it soon enough. For now... I passed! I PASSED!! Yaaaaay! I need to celebrate somehow. :)

That Diagnosis Thing

We took Morgan to the neurologist yesterday. Morgan is almost four, and he doesn't talk. He knows number words and he'll sometimes say "uh-oh" but otherwise, no talking. He also has a lot of repetitive behaviors and a lot of social problems like no eye contact and etc. His pediatrician immediately mentioned autism.

The neurologists said he seemed "too social" to be autistic. I wanted to take them and shake them and go "this is a really really good day." I wanted to tell them about my brother's fiance once mentioning that she'd "never seen Morgan happy." I wanted to mention that, yes of course he handed you the marker when you asked for it, not because you said "give me the marker please" but because you put up your hand and beckoned. I didn't, though, just said "yes please" when they offered to send him to an autism specialist along with the blood tests and MRI.

Well, whatever. They didn't spend much time with him and they're not specialists. I am not opposed to all the tests, as I like to be certain about things; I just don't appreciate unformulated hypothesis based on limited data. It grates and annoys me. And then, of course, I ran into all the reasons I don't want to go see anyone about myself: I mentioned how my mother had said I'd fit Asperger's criteria when i was a kid and the doctor said "well, you're too social to have Asperger's." I only spoke when I had to, I hesitated to shake hands, I avoided eye contact with a vengeance. Being able to answer questions a doctor asks is being too social to have any problems?

I know I shouldn't get hung up on it, but it bothered me all day. I don't know precisely what's going on. It's possible Morgan doesn't have autism, although I'm not sure how when he evidently meets all the criteria except that he was "a little too social" on one of his best days. But the way he experiences the world is not "normal," and the same goes for me. 

I said I'd elaborate on why I self-diagnosed, and I've decided to go down the list of diagnostic crteria and address them each:

A.Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:

(1) marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction.

I have trouble with eye contact, and I'm told by my fiance that I often don't have much facial expression--he thinks I'm bored or upset a lot, when I'm actually perfectly happy. I'd say that your significant other not seeing any facial expression or body posture counts.

(2) failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level

I have very few friends. I go to school and out once a week to a social group with my fiance, but in terms of the sort of friends that one "goes and hangs out with," maybe one? And I've always been this way.

(3) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
 

I often don't care much what other people think of things. I'll share things with people because I know they care, or because I want their opinion, but I mostly do this on, say, Facebook. Which is to say, over text where I can dump it and forget, not with the talking and making sure I have updated every new person on every new thing and AMG WHY DON'T YOU PEOPLE JUST READ FACEBOOK. I have to think to remember to tell my mother how school's going, and I don't know why I should care what's going on in the lives of most people I know unless it's something really big like a baby. I tend to skim Facebook statuses for things that are interesting or funny or big.

Facebook is wonderful. Text, no talking, I can deal with it when I like, and if people are particularly vocal on it I don't ever have to drop a line to find out what's up; I already know! Except that the people who I most want to keep in touch with don't update very often. (Brother-of-mine, I'm looking at you.)

(4) lack of social or emotional reciprocity

I have been told, repeatedly, that I have this problem. I don't really know how to maintain friendships. Emotional reciprocity... I didn't think I had issues with that until my fiance told me he feels that way. Oy.

B.Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following: 

(1) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus

I want to find aliens and talk to them. If I can't do this, or try to, I literally do not know what else to do with my life. I also will hyperfocus on one thing, like a game or a book series or a TV show, for days or weeks at a time. Mostly these are science fiction things, having to do with aliens or some sort of semi- or non-human monsters. Also, space. I like space. A lot.

(2) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals

My routines and rituals are functional, thankyouverymuch. They help me focus and/or calm down, and mostly they help me impose order on a completely chaotic world. I did stop the weird routines, for my fiance's sake. My life has also become more chaotic than I like to think about. I think I need to go back to the routines.

(3) stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements)

I try to hide this. I do. I rock a lot and hide it by listening to music. I twist my fingers, I play with my hair, I have a lot of compulsive habits. I jitter a lot.

(4) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects

I don't understand this one. Why aren't parts of objects interesting? Gears on a bike, say, or spinning wheels... I can't explain it, really. I get what they mean but I don't understand why it's worth noting. I can hyperfocus on one tiny, tiny part of an object and be fascinated by that one thing... but who isn't fascinated by those super-up-close images of things? Really? Is it just me and a few others?

C.The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

I have never held down a job for more than 6 months. I am struggling in school, badly, despite learning the material rapidly and well when I sit down and apply myself. I have very few friends. I will forget to eat all day, or shower, or do laundry. I can't do dishes or fold laundry and I'm not sure why. Normal, everyday life is so chaotic and overwhelming that I will literally forget what day it is without a calendar. So, uhhh... yes.

D.There is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g., single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrases used by age 3 years).

This is just Asperger's vs. autism, which they're supposedly removing in the DSM-V, but yeah, I was talking early even, 10 months. I love words and language--I'd argue language is just my other obsessive area of interest alongside aliens. Figure out how to communicate with extraterrestrial life, remember?

E.There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior (other than in social interaction), and curiosity about the environment in childhood.

I don't know about "age-appropriate self-help skills" as I have a lot of issues in that area but that could be 1) depression partly due to life being so damn hard to figure out or 2) Asperger's and autism having more overlap than the DSM-IV admits to. Maybe they'd call it "high-functioning autism" instead. I dunno.

F.Criteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or Schizophrenia

I don't know about other PDDs, but I don't have Schizophrenia. Other PDDs though, well... falls into the same place: I'm on the spectrum, regardless.

And yet, because I can pull myself together and follow the rules well enough to talk to a doctor, I'm "too social" to have an ASD. I don't know, am I wrong here? I doubt it, really... And yet, I'm too worried that I'm "wrong" to join a Facebook group for women with Asperger's. Silly, I know.

Changing Screen Name

Decided to use my real name, despite its relative uniqueness. Why? Well, not much links here and screen names feel silly in a world where most people don't use them. My main anonymity concern is people I know offline that I'm not sure I want to let know about just everything yet, but I doubt they'd go looking for me. And there's probably worse lurking on the Wayback Machine for a dedicated future employer. The Internet is forever, after all.

School may have gone better than I thought! I will probably write a series of posts breaking this and other things down in the next couple of days.

Starting Off, or, What Now?

I intend this blog to be a journal of sorts, a place to write things down so I can sort them out. Of course people can read it, but I'm not expecting many (watch, now I'll be surprised). Anyhow, I'm not trying to write anything interesting or profound to anyone else, just personal things that I don't mind having out in public semi-anonymously.

The anonymous bit is the first thing of real concern here. I am in a state of major flux right now, not really sure which way to go. I've never been anything like "normal." Brilliant, maybe, lots of potential and so on, but it's always been very difficult for me to function in the world. For about a year I've been living with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, but not only does the medication not help the diagnosis came out of my ARNP deciding after 20 minutes that it made sense. She never dug very deeply into, well... anything much, which I'm starting to realize is par for the course for mental health a lot of the time.

My youngest son is also two days away from being evaluated by a neurologist for autism. Every other professional we've talked to think he likely has it, and he certainly fits the criteria. Autism, of course, has a genetic component, and my mother has repeatedly mentioned that she feels I fit the Asperger's criteria since she started doing research into things on her own.

So... I went and took tests online. I know, I know, they might not be accurate, but I fall deeply within the autism spectrum on every one I've taken. I've been discovering that I actually have a hard time reading facial expressions, that I can't tell tone very well unless it's exaggerated, and that many things I have passed off as reasons I might not be autistic fall squarely into "female presentation of Asperger's syndrome." And I am finding that trying to deal with the world as though I am autistic is helping me head off problems and begin to think more and more clearly.

I am of scientific mind. I firmly believe in Occam's razor: when faced with equal evidence for two or more hypothesis, the simplest is most likely to be true. So which is simpler: a diagnosis that needs stretching to fit and can't seemed to be treated properly (bipolar), or something that people who know me well go "oh yes, that's her as a teenager" that offers coping skills that already work? I'll take door number two.

So right now I'm in limbo. I stopped taking my medication, but now I'm worried about going back to the doctor's office and telling them why. ASDs are hard to diagnose in both women and adults and I think I'm pretty good at "faking" (of course maybe I'm wrong there), so I'm afraid of going to a therapist and being told I'm wrong--and worse, getting in "trouble" for not taking my meds. I'm not against medication--my fiance, who does have bipolar disorder, is so much better even on his not-quite-therapuetic dose of lithium. But lithium carbonate is nasty to the body and the side effects have been making life hell, and antidepressants never seem to really work for me.

I have a lot more to say on all of this: why I've been clinging to medication, why bipolar doesn't make sense, why I think I'm an Aspie. I don't want this to be too long, though, and already I've typed a lot without even getting to what bothers me most. Because, you see, I have no issues with autism. I've known many people on the spectrum, terrific people, who interface with the "normal" world with varying levels of success. Being autistic doesn't bug me, except insofar as it causes me trouble from outsiders.

What bugs me is the thought that all the things I thought I could medicate away might be part of who I am. That maybe the world is too much for me, too stressful, that I won't be able to operate in it without falling apart. I think this because it's happened, over and over again. Maybe, just maybe, dealing with the world as an Aspie will let me get where I want to go. I can't shake the feeling that I'm wrong, though, and that ultimately the career I want will be too difficult to get to, not least because of the social skills required to navigate the academic world.

It's hitting home, right now, because I've yet another bad quarter in school, grades are out tomorrow, I'm not sure if I'll keep my financial aid or not and if I do... can I handle this? Can I do it? I'm not sure. And letting go of this would be hard. What I want to do is specific and it's strong, and there's so little way I can think of to be involved in it without a dgeree. I want to work on SETI, you see. I want to communicate with alien life. Or maybe I want to get a degree in planetary astronomy and find evidence of life in the solar system or elsewhere. I haven't quite decided. But I want to see if someone else is out there. I feel so alone so much of the time; I can't stand to think that this one little planet is the only one ni the universe with intelligent life.

Language fascinates me and aliens fascinate me; I want to study both and figure out how to talk to creatures whose minds work differently than ours. And if I am autistic maybe I'm just what's needed, someone whose brain works differently, someone who could have a different take, help to work out what to say if we ever manage to get a signal through. I've got some ideas on where and how to look that I'm not sure we've tried yet. How can I do this if I can't go to school and get a degree? And how can I convince the schools that I need help, that my year of failure is because I've been doing things all wrong, to please please give me a second chance, if I don't go get that elusive official diagnosis?

I'm not sure what to do, right now. One thing I can do is write, so I do so, and throw the line out there, and pray that I manage to make this work... because I don't know what else to do, if things fall through. I thought medication would fix things, and it just seemed to make them worse, and now... now I'm hoping that tomorrow I get good news.

In the meantime, I go to play video games and watch my younger daughter, who refuses to sleep at the right times, and realize that it's partly me--that part of my fascination with the stars comes from a desire to be awake at night when it's quiet and cool, when the rest of the world is asleep and there's less noise. Normal folk go to bed or turn up the lights at night and ignore the sky and the vast emptiness dotted with light. I used to embrace it, even if I often feared it; now I hide behind walls and lights at night too, and wonder why I have to go to school in the daytime to learn to study the night.