Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Scientific Funding in an Age of Fear

Phil Plait, one of my very favorite bloggers, brought up a difficult subject today: how to deal with funding the James Webb Space Telescope. His view is in his excellent article at his blog, Bad Astronomy. My view is pretty much the same: Congress needs to fully and independently fund the JWST and cancel it otherwise, because trying to take the money from other missions will only damage all the missions involved, including the JWST.

For those who don't know, the JWST is the "next-generation" space telescope (that's even another name for it) which is supposed to become the "Hubble of its age" (well, according to Phil Plait, with whom I'm inclined to agree.) It has a whole bunch of features, including infrared optimization and its intended observing position far from Earth, giving us a different angle from which to view the universe. It is, in short, an amazing piece of equipment that could revolutionize astronomical observation.

Phil brings up cost overruns and mismanagement as reasons that he understands why people want to kill the project. I get that. It's a practical stance. But I am so tired of practical, when it comes to science. I am having a visceral, emotional reaction to this, and it's not just because the JWST might be dead before it ever gets off the ground. It's general, and I finally pinpointed it when I started running through all the things in my head that make the JWST something good and useful that we ought to give money to.

See, there's this thing that happens, with science. People want to know why we should justify spending billions and billions of dollars on research. Those same people (usually) don't question if we should spend billions and billions of dollars on health care, or defense, or buying random crap we don't need, or social programs, or what-have-you. Those things, you see, can all be identified as practical things. Things we need, to survive. They may disagree on what's practical to spend money on but pretty much everyone agrees there needs to be some sort of clear reward. "Why are we giving some guy money to go research frogs?" they ask, and laugh, like researching frogs is an utterly useless thing to do. The worst part? A lot, a lot of these people are scientists or science supporters themselves.

And those of us who want research to be funded come up with things like "without relativity you wouldn't have GPS!" and all of the benefits of the space program, and so on. It's a laundry list of all the reasons why science funding is practical, and has "real world" benefits, and so on. It winds up feeling like begging, and it's tiring, and right now, I'm done with it. I'm not saying that there doesn't need to be some feedback from research--that there don't eventually need to be results. Money is limited, I get that. But why is the money so terribly limited? Why isn't science more important to us, as a society? Why oh why is everything about the practicality?

So here is why I'm tired of it, why it makes me want to cry and gnash my teeth and all the rest. There is more to life than survival, and there is more to life than entertainment. Science is about exploration and discovery, and the need for both exploration and discovery are essential human traits.

Last summer, I wrote a research paper about SETI in which I asked the question of whether it was worth continuing the search, 50 years on. I ought to post the paper somewhere--I'm really very proud of it--but the gist of my argument was that humans have always been interested in the possibility of life beyond our own planet, and that the need for communication and connection is deeply and fundamentally human, and the drive to see if anyone else is out there is perhaps the most human endeavor I can think of. It is matched only, I will say now, by "why are we here?" which is what drives our desire to see as much as we can about the early universe. Which, by the way, the JWST is primed to explore: the formation of the first galaxies and even further back.

As a brief aside: when I say I think the need for communication and connection is fundamentally human, I absolutely apply that to all people, whatever their ability to communicate and connect in a "normal" fashion. Just because a person can't speak doesn't mean they don't want to, and just because a person doesn't care about connecting to random strangers doesn't mean they don't feel a deep connection to the people closest to them. Even wanting to connect to animals, plants or the world around one counts in this, to me. I am reminded of the video In My Language by Amanda Baggs of Ballastexistenz, which shows very clearly that language and interaction with one's environment is not always what most folk think it is.

At any rate, we need this. As a species, we need to look up, and out, and imagine what might be, and then go find out. For some people "finding out" involves what is within reach, and that makes their exploration no less wonderful than the exploration the JWST provides. I just say we shouldn't have to choose. I say we should stop staring at the ground, worrying about whether we'll trip, running through our lives afraid of everything. I say we stop, and look up, and remember what makes us great.

I will leave with a quote from Babylon 5, my oh-so-very-favorite TV show, that reminds me of how I feel the world is these days.
"Something my father said. He was old, very old at the time. I went into his room, and he was sitting alone in the dark, crying. So I asked him what was wrong, and he said, 'My shoes are too tight, but it doesn't matter, because I have forgotten how to dance.' I never understood what that meant until now. My shoes are too tight, and I have forgotten how to dance." (Londo Mollari, The War Prayer)
I feel that way, lately. I think the whole world does. I want to see JWST funded, and in a way that lets all the other projects be funded too, but I don't think it's going to happen, because we have forgotten how to dance. It breaks my heart, and I wish I knew what to do.

If you want to help save the JWST go here and sign the petition: http://www.savejwst.com/ or like their Facebook page. Or, y'know, both.

Monday, September 12, 2011

On Religion

Firstly, I've been hermiting this last week or so, for a variety of reasons. It was the second week of my three-week school break and thus a great time to get away from people, and Richard had to go out a lot during the week so I had a chance to be really alone. In addition, the media coverage leading up to the tenth anniversary of 9/11 brought me nothing but pain, and so I pretty much avoided the rest of the internet trying to pretend it was any other week of the year, ever. I understand wanting to hash and re-hash a painful event--I do it all the time, to everything--but there's no closure or solace to be found there, just more wondering "how can people be so awful?"

I played video games instead, or read, and spent one whole wonderful day with barely any stimulation at all. But "how can people be so awful" isn't a question I can easily escape; it's one I run into every time I do venture into the world and encounter stories of people lying, hurting each other, hating each other. Sometimes I can make sense of things from an evolutionary perspective, but far too often it just makes no sense at all. And then I've been playing Assassin's Creed II a lot, and the whole series is full of discussions of religion, and what religion is for, and ethics and morality and... oy. I can't remember the last time a major character in a video game said that their side really wasn't the "good guys." The shades of grey inherent in playing a character who kills in order to bring about peace and free will are not at all avoided.

So, as the topic of the post might suggest, I have been thinking about religion lately. Specifically, my lack of some specific religious practice, and whether or not I need one. I'm sure plenty of people might say "of course you don't!" And some, who I fervently hope aren't reading this post, might lambast me for not practicing whatever it is they believe. I do know what I believe--generally. That's not what this is about.

The thing is, I think that God is a concept that can't be easily hammered down. Whatever god or gods there may be are, by definition, something the human mind isn't going to be able to comprehend right now. I've already answered the question of whether I can be a scientist and still believe in God--of course I can. "Is there a God?" is not a scientific hypothesis, because the question can't be disproven. Did God cause the Big Bang? I don't know, honestly. Maybe so--even if our universe is but one of many, God could have started the genesis of this universe within the larger whole. Or maybe it's more of a natural process. My concept of God does not demand that said being created the universe, or its laws--maybe everything simply is. But whatever's going on, it's not something that science can answer, and things that science discover don't get in the way of there being a God. In fact, it's when I look at the grandeur and beauty of the universe that I feel most connected to God. The reality that science tells me exists is the reality that shows me God.

So, do I need a religion, or can I go on calling myself a religious naturalist? (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_naturalism for reference) I think the main reason I still yearn for some religious practice is my desire for order and ritual. I've found a great deal of comfort in the trappings of the religions I've tried on over the years, from Christian denominations to neopaganism. To be honest, though--and not to insult anyone, really--far too few practitioners of both Christianity and paganism that I've met have a true desire to use their intellect to explore and understand the world, they're far too willing to accept whatever they're told.

I get that this happens everywhere, but I guess what I'm looking for, if I'm going to adopt some religion or other, is that thinking and learning and teaching be at the core of the religion. Modern druidry offers this--sort of--but it too often accepts the dubious practices of pseudoscience on their face. And then, of course, there's Richard and the kids--if I go one way, do they have to? Will they feel like they have to? So, I'm at a bit of a loss of just what to do.

I have some thoughts on this regard, but they are as yet malleable and not-quite-formed. I will post more if I come to some sort of understanding or decision. What I do know is that I need a framework of some sort. Stay tuned.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Mental vs Physical Age Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eu0aunZrP7o&feature=share

This video is about how the guy making it has always felt maybe 6 years behind his peers, mentally... and when he turned 17 or so and had to go "out in the world" he started acting much older, like someone in their 50's, and people online would think he was older. Now he feels "young" again but still 6 years behind--go watch, it's good.

I identify with this so much. People always think I am very much older or younger than I am... people thought I was older when I was a teenager although I felt younger inside. Now people who meet me think I'm younger (at school people think I am maybe 20-21 when I am almost 30) and online people have always thought I was older--but inside I feel like I stopped at around 15 and had to become very much older and now I'm picking up my development again! So I feel maybe 16 or so inside now... I wonder if I'll always be 14 years behind...

Friday, September 2, 2011

I passed my classes!

I wasn't expecting to write this post in this manner. I was expecting that I would have failed at least one of my classes, and would be speculating on what to do about that and would there be financial aid problems and should I continue school?

Instead, I find that I passed all my classes this quarter. I haven't done that since last summer. I keep peeking back to my transcript to be sure it's true. I shouldn't have passed. I know I shouldn't. I missed tons of quizzes, I did badly on finals, but somehow I managed to prove that I knew and understood the material and passed every single one.

Short summary: I took an art appreciation class that involved looking at art and discussing it, a chemistry lecture course I'd failed before (I passed the lab so I didn't have to re-do that) and calculus I which I'd also failed before.

On the "how the hell" side of things, I never had many doubts about my art class. Give me papers to write and I'll manage to write something interesting and thought-provoking and get accolades even if I forget the material five minutes after I'm done--especially in a 100-level class where the teacher is barely expecting competency. I'm good at writing papers, and I did both my main group one and my own. Chemistry... my the points I should have failed, but I had that teacher for the lab last time I took the course, and I got a 3.3 in the lab course and I should have gotten a 1.8 or so. I'm thinking either my math is wrong and I did better on the second exam than I thought (possible since I never got the test back through my own fault) or she felt generous and passed me.

Math... I should have failed, but it looks like on August 7th the teacher put in "100%" for my quiz scores, and this made be able to get a 2.8 from my exams alone. I never took a single quiz. I suspect he didn't find time to give them and gave everyone 100% and I just wasn't there the day he announced this. Another reason to go to class, Arielle.

Anyway, suddenly I have this foundation of "look I passed!" I know that passing with such horrid attendance and homework was a fluke and will not happen again. I also know that next quarter is the quarter I get into actual physics classes. And maybe... ooo... research. Real research, for honors credit or publication or even for stipend if my MESA advisor managed to pull out the funds. Yes, let's give the Aspie toys to play with and tell her she get school credit and money for it. Heaven. I've been looking forward to this for months.

So now I know I'll get my financial aid check, I know I'll get a crack at that research... and holy crap I'll likely be presenting at the UW undergraduate research symposium in May and that means talking to people and WHAT AM I THINKING THIS IS INSANE!!!

Hence the dilemma that's been looming ever since I put away the lithium bottle and went "I can't medicate away my problems." Can I do this? I want to, badly. I want to be an astronomer so badly it hurts sometimes. I avoid science things because I know I will perseverate and never come out, and if I fail I'll be so terribly disappointed. Richard (my fiance) has promised not to let me completely disappear so, so...

I will do this. I will. But it's hard, and I can't articulate why right now. It's tied up with disappointments and the fallout from my social problems, and I will manage to type coherently on it soon enough. For now... I passed! I PASSED!! Yaaaaay! I need to celebrate somehow. :)