I passed my classes!

I wasn't expecting to write this post in this manner. I was expecting that I would have failed at least one of my classes, and would be speculating on what to do about that and would there be financial aid problems and should I continue school?

Instead, I find that I passed all my classes this quarter. I haven't done that since last summer. I keep peeking back to my transcript to be sure it's true. I shouldn't have passed. I know I shouldn't. I missed tons of quizzes, I did badly on finals, but somehow I managed to prove that I knew and understood the material and passed every single one.

Short summary: I took an art appreciation class that involved looking at art and discussing it, a chemistry lecture course I'd failed before (I passed the lab so I didn't have to re-do that) and calculus I which I'd also failed before.

On the "how the hell" side of things, I never had many doubts about my art class. Give me papers to write and I'll manage to write something interesting and thought-provoking and get accolades even if I forget the material five minutes after I'm done--especially in a 100-level class where the teacher is barely expecting competency. I'm good at writing papers, and I did both my main group one and my own. Chemistry... my the points I should have failed, but I had that teacher for the lab last time I took the course, and I got a 3.3 in the lab course and I should have gotten a 1.8 or so. I'm thinking either my math is wrong and I did better on the second exam than I thought (possible since I never got the test back through my own fault) or she felt generous and passed me.

Math... I should have failed, but it looks like on August 7th the teacher put in "100%" for my quiz scores, and this made be able to get a 2.8 from my exams alone. I never took a single quiz. I suspect he didn't find time to give them and gave everyone 100% and I just wasn't there the day he announced this. Another reason to go to class, Arielle.

Anyway, suddenly I have this foundation of "look I passed!" I know that passing with such horrid attendance and homework was a fluke and will not happen again. I also know that next quarter is the quarter I get into actual physics classes. And maybe... ooo... research. Real research, for honors credit or publication or even for stipend if my MESA advisor managed to pull out the funds. Yes, let's give the Aspie toys to play with and tell her she get school credit and money for it. Heaven. I've been looking forward to this for months.

So now I know I'll get my financial aid check, I know I'll get a crack at that research... and holy crap I'll likely be presenting at the UW undergraduate research symposium in May and that means talking to people and WHAT AM I THINKING THIS IS INSANE!!!

Hence the dilemma that's been looming ever since I put away the lithium bottle and went "I can't medicate away my problems." Can I do this? I want to, badly. I want to be an astronomer so badly it hurts sometimes. I avoid science things because I know I will perseverate and never come out, and if I fail I'll be so terribly disappointed. Richard (my fiance) has promised not to let me completely disappear so, so...

I will do this. I will. But it's hard, and I can't articulate why right now. It's tied up with disappointments and the fallout from my social problems, and I will manage to type coherently on it soon enough. For now... I passed! I PASSED!! Yaaaaay! I need to celebrate somehow. :)